The Top Ten Pop-Tart Flavors
The folks over at Thrillist.com recently ranked all of the Pop-Tart flavors from best to worst. Take a look at the top ten and see if you agree with their findings.
10. Cookies & Creme
Whoa, cool! This is essentially an Oreo flavor. Which is essentially a Hydrox flavor (look it up). I’m a big fan of Oreo, so I’m interested to see how much Pop-Tarts can poach their flavor without bringing things into a legal gray area. It actually tastes almost exactly like an Oreo, except crustier -- but not in the sea captain-y way. In a good way.
Ah, the S’mores Pop-Tart. I grew up thinking this one was my favorite, and crusaded many times for its purchasing at the grocery store. I’ve always been a fan of marshmallows and chocolate, and the combining of the two into a crusty pastry just made sense to me -- it’s like an actual s’more without the need to buy a bunch of disparate ingredients and light a fire. The S’mores Pop-Tart is still good. The stripes of chocolate and marshmallow inside are the only fillings arranged this way, which is kinda weird, but you still get a bit of everything in one bite so it’s hunky-dory.
8. Wildlicious Wild! Berry
A molten, sticky, red berry center. Colors that evoke plastic water cups, or bus seats, or the rip-roaring good time that was the 1990s. This is something a marketing executive would call “extreme.” And it tastes like wild berries, all right -- these were my some of my favorite Pop-Tarts when I was growing up, because they had crazy blue frosting and my favorite color was blue, and my logic at the time was that blue things just tasted better. I was right then, and I’m still right today.
Here’s a classic -- Raspberry’s frosting is a little unintuitive (it’s white with red specks), but it’s got a retro feel and is “baked with real fruit!” The fruit filling is nice and tart, but it’s missing a certain je ne sais quoi. It tastes like a raspberry, but one that’s been mixed with a couple other fruits. It's kind of a compromising way to encounter a raspberry -- since it's hobnobbing with lesser produce.
Strawberry things are usually the best out of any assorted fruit bunch. This rule generally applies to candy, gummies, gum, soda, etc. The Strawberry Pop-Tart has been around a long time, and it was almost undisputedly the king back in the day. Now it’s aged to a degree, but there aren’t many wrinkles to be seen. The only thing is, there’s another Strawberry iteration that’s eclipsed it. More on that later.
This is probably the best-tasting of the real (not imaginary) fruit Pop-Tarts. It’s tart, it actually tastes like a cherry, there’s plenty of filling, and it’s got a good consistency. The sugar on top is pretty unambiguous about what it is -- and I like a Pop-Tart with honesty. This feels like a piece of shortbread with cherry jam on top. And frosting. And sugar.
4. Chocolatey Strawberry
This new flavor seems like a damn good idea. It’s limited edition! Chocolate and strawberries go well together -- why else would people in all those sexy montages feed them to each other?! Is this the most romantic of the Pop-Tarts? Welp, there honestly isn’t a whole lot of chocolate flavor, but the strawberry taste is fantastic, and it pops more than in the standard Strawberry Pop-Tart. The chocolate seems to only be in the shell part of it, which means that by definition it’s a smidge less than perfect.
3. Chocolate Chip
Right off the bat, this looks more appealing than the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. It’s got actual chocolate chips studding the top of the tart, with a drizzle of chocolate icing. And, DAMN. It’s filled with tons of chocolate goo! This is by far the most overwhelmingly chocolatey of the Pop-Tarts, and it’s not even in a chocolate pastry shell. It tastes like someone took a gas station cookie and microwaved the crap out of it, which, incidentally, is the way gas station cookies were meant to be eaten.
2. Wildlicious Wild! Cherry
Somehow, SOMEHOW, this has an even stronger cherry taste than the pure cherry one. Is it “wild”? Perhaps not, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? You don’t buy a Pop-Tart for its level of tameness. You buy it because it is delicious. And this is -- it’s like a party in my mouth, and the only one who showed up is a Wild! Cherry Pop-Tart. I'm at peace with that fact. It also has strong cherry Starburst notes.
1. Blue Raspberry
It’s common knowledge in my household that blue raspberry-flavored things are the best things, because they can be anything you want them to be. Have you ever seen a blue raspberry? No, because blue raspberries were made up by Big Flavor to sell more Blue 5 Lake (in my imagination). But that doesn’t mean this made-up concept isn’t still delicious. This is the ultimate proof of my theory. The raspberry jelly interior is opaque, not translucent like most other fillings. It’s like the slime Nickelodeon used to dump on those awful Figure It Out! contestants, except mixed with Blue 5 Lake.
The filling is on the tangy side, just like a blue raspberry should be, and has a stronger and more distinctive flavor than any of the other fruit Pop-Tarts. It tastes like liquefied Jolly Ranchers, probably has an insane amount of sugar, and is most likely the single worst thing to serve your child for breakfast... but that’s OK, because I’m an adult. I know because I had coffee this morning.