Your chances of winning tonight's $900 million Powerball jackpot are about 290 million to one. But we're all about keeping hope alive. So when you do win, here are the first things you should do. Right after you change into unsoiled underwear.

(Getty Images)
  1. Sign the back of the ticket. That way no one can steal it and claim they won. If you want to be extra careful, you can sign it before the drawing. It might make you feel extra pathetic when you don't win though.
  2. Resist the urge to tell everyone. Only tell the people you're closest to, and maybe not even them. The point is you don't want everyone you know hitting you up for money for the rest of your life.
  3. Hire a money management team. Meaning an estate planner, a financial planner, and an accountant. And you should do it before you even claim the money, because they'll explain why you take the lump sum instead of yearly payments.
  4. Don't start buying stuff yet. 44% of lottery winners blow through their entire winnings within five years. But that's mostly if you win something like a million bucks. It's kind of hard to blow through $900 million.

And here's one more: Quit your friggin' job already. You know those people who win the lottery and don't quit their jobs? Everyone hates those people.