One of the best things about the holidays is seeing your family and reconnecting with them. One of the worst things about the holidays is seeing your family and reconnecting with them.

Use these smart-ass responses to survive the awkward dinner conversations.

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From The Guardian:

Remark from your father: “Why don’t you come home more often? Family is the most important thing!”

Your response: “Oh, is it, Dad? Is family the most important thing? Is that why you have two of them?”


Remark from your grandmother: “You’ve eaten your fair share of mashed potatoes, wouldn’t you say, dear?”

Your response: “I don’t want to fight you today, but I will, Virginia. I’ve just carbo-loaded and I’m about three times your size. Your bones are brittle, you’ve got osteoporosis. This is not a battle you want to have. Now can it before I eat the potatoes right off your plate. Don’t think I won’t.”


Remark from cousin Kevin, who is getting his PhD in pharmaceutical science: “And what are you up to these days?”

Your response: “What am I doing with my liberal arts degree? I’ll tell you: edibles. I’ve gotten really into weed. It’s decriminalized in California. What is it you do again? Study? Sounds lame. Am I poor? Yes. Am I constantly crying? Also yes. But at least I’m also not pushing pharmaceutical sales on unsuspecting and naive customers.”


Remark from your step mom: “So, what do your tattoos … mean exactly?”

Your response: “That I’m a child of divorce.”