I've been to the Mississippi Valley Fair for the shows, the rides, and the food. But when I take home a big prize from the Midway games, I know I've done my woman proud. "Here honey--it's a giant Dreadlocked Banana thingy!" When the tears well up in my baby's eyes, it's the happiest I've ever been. Except for when I see the tears in the eyes of the Carny who I just took for his biggest stuff! BAM--Suck it Carny!

But how do you win these impossible trinkets, you ask? Well fear not. "Dwyer the Dangerous" is here to run point on these games, and help you avoid the scams, so you too can bring your best gal a giant stuffed animal for the least cash outlay!

Best Bet # 1: Water-gun balloon game. The main reason is that you can scout the best water-gun, and then saunter up like a marksman and choose your prize. Any competition game where someone wins each time are your best bets. So go take on the kiddies--sorry for the tears.

Other games of skill are your next best bet. The basketball game can be easily mastered, and will usually let you roll a progressive prize win, so you can use previous wins to build up to the big banana! Softball in the bushel is also a skill you can master. But be careful not to get beyond the cost/value of the prize at hand. Your gal won't care about the banana if you sold the farm to get it.

Most Midway gamers want there to be a number of winners carrying around prizes, since it's great advertising. So early in the evening is the best time to challenge the games for the biggest prizes.

If you see a game with prizes like a hover-board, or a bike, it's a safe bet you aren't going to win any of those games enough to get them.

Be smart out there, and buy your honey a London Broil, or a corn dog--and wait 'til you get home to give her the banana!